The Mommy Homilies

I distinctly remember that it was a workday when I asked a friend to go with me to the hospital for a check-up.  I had been feeling woozy the previous days.  And no matter how much Tums I took, it seemed as though my stomach was churning out more acid than it was supposed to.

It was really much of a spur-of-the moment decision to go to that emergency room.  The discomfort I was feeling was far from what one would classify as “emergency” but since we were near the area where the hospital was, I decided to just go inside.  For what? Maybe to have my blood pressure checked?  I was “neck-deep” with shoots to coordinate, pre-prods and post-prods to attend and a drawer full of receipts to liquidate and reimburse.

From the moment I sat down and gave the resident doctor the full account of my “gastro problem” I immediately (and I mean, immediately) hated the smirk (and it was a SMIRK…not a comforting smile but a smirk for pete’s sake!) he gave me.

“Do you have a boyfriend?…Yes…Are you sexually active?…Well, if we could find the time to do it…When was your last period?…I had it around two weeks ago but it only lasted for like a day and a half…Is that normal for you?…Well, no but I’m pretty stressed out lately…Let’s make a lab test first to rule out pregnancy and then we’ll see…”

Waiting for that STAT urine test was like being thrown from heaven to purgatory.  The biggest question in my mind that time was - So, what happens next?!!   It was like finding an answer to “When will Orlando bloom?”  It was one question that didn’t seem to warrant any quick, sure-ball answers.  Everything seemed hanging on the line ( an imaginary or probably even a nonexistent line).

After thirty gruelling minutes, the results came out.  I never thought a piece of paper the size of my palm could weigh as much as three elephants sitting one on top of the other! Well, I didn’t have to put it close to my face to see the word “POSITIVE.”

I left the ER with my stomachache…plus a headache.  My head felt like it got pumped up with too much oxygen.  It felt hollow yet heavy.  I couldn’t even bring myself to look up.  Sort of like a big balloon that won’t fly.  And on and on, just one thought was bouncing inside my hollow head — Okay, so I’m pregnant…Okay, so I’m pregnant.

I went home to my pad…my sanctuary…my cocoon.  I should be jumping up and down with joy but I didn’t feel like it.  Not that I didn’t want to keep the baby.  There was never any question about me giving up the pregnancy by any means.  The baby was there and I had every intention to keep her at all costs.  But I was unmarried and had myasthenia gravis (and taking maintenance medication for it).  I simply didn’t know how to cope with such news, didn’t know how to deal with it, didn’t know how to break the news to the “people who should know” …my boyfriend, my parents, my boss, my doctor…

to be continued